Welcoming Winter: A story about seasonal depression, self-compassion, and trusting my body

A few years ago, I began to notice a pattern. As soon as the Halloween festivities were over, I began to dread the oncoming winter months--the shorter days, the colder weather, lower energy and lack of motivation. Lots of people I knew said they hated winter too, but it seemed to affect me much more than it did them. Year after year I'd brace myself to face the inevitable. I tried counseling and light therapy. I even thought about moving to a location that was warm and sunny all year round. Last year I was considering medication to get me through the season.

I've never been diagnosed by a professional with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), but a simple Google search confirms that I could check off almost every symptom. According to Mayo Clinic, "symptoms appear during late fall or early winter and go away during the sunnier days of spring and summer...symptoms may start out mild and become more severe as the season progresses."

I'd been doing some personal work around resistance, shame and judgement and realized that I'd been judging myself for the "undesired and bad" symptoms I experienced every year. I'd heard Carl Jung's famous phrase, "What you resist persists," many times, and I got curious around what this could mean in my case for a season that was beyond my control. I began to ask the following questions:

• What if there is nothing wrong with me for experiencing this?

• What would it look like if I stopped resisting winter?

• What would happen if I embraced these symptoms and trusted that they would pass?

• Could I be ok with feeling sluggish and tired?

• Could I allow myself to rest, be less productive, eat more, and gain weight without shame?

• Could I have compassion for myself and love myself through it?

Last winter (2024-2025) was my first season to be curious in this way. Although I did let go of some resistance, I cannot say that I fully surrendered.

Releasing the dread at the beginning of November made a noticeable difference. I realized how much I actually enjoyed the holiday season that spanned November-December. By resisting winter every year, I had been stealing some of the joy and using up precious energy to worry about what I might experience after the holidays.

This awareness revealed that there were really only 2 months that I dreaded--January and February. This was a huge lightbulb moment for me. I reminded myself to stay curious instead of slipping back into self-judgement when the thought, "How could I have wasted so much time and energy worrying about this for all these years?" moved through my mind.

In January, we had enough snow to cancel school a few days. We do not always get snow in Kansas, but my 6-year-old was so excited. The snow was perfect for snowman building, sledding, snowball fights and making snow ice cream and snow angels. Needless to say, winter is now his favorite season.

By the time February rolled around, I felt lethargic and sluggish. My body wanted to nap almost everyday. I was planning to publish my first children's book sometime in March, but I had no energy or motivation to do it. Instead of forcing myself to get something done, I surrendered and rested. The voices of shame and judgement taunted me, "You're wasting time. You could be getting so much done. You're fat and lazy. You should make yourself do work on the project. You have no self-discipline. You never do what you say you're going to do. What if you feel like this forever?"

I didn't fight the thoughts. I didn't have the energy. I noticed them. I allowed them to come and go as I laid in my bed, gazing listlessly out the window day after day. I held myself like a mother holds a child, and I whispered, "You are perfect the way you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You don't need to change. Spring is coming next month. Your energy will return. It always does.

At the very end of February, I noticed buds on the branches of the tree and heard springtime birdsongs outside my window. Signs of spring! I set the date to release my book--March 5, my mom's birthday. March still seemed so far away, but it was already February 26. I had so much to do to be ready in time.

That weekend, I sprung into action. Before I knew it, I'd made it through February and was sprinting into spring with renewed energy. I was in a flow state. Nothing felt forced. I got more done in the week leading up to the launch than many people do in a span of months. I felt relieved, proud, and empowered. I had surrendered to my body's rhythms, and everything turned out just fine. What would happen if I planned to do it again next year?

So here I am, in the middle of January of the following year. How's it going? Better than ever! In the summer, I decided that I would intentionally embrace what I my body needed, especially from November-January. Now I'm calling winter my cozy hibernation season. I actually looked forward to winter this year. Last year I learned to surrender to winter. This year I learned to welcome it.